Ashley Cole Is A Bragaining Chip... Except Not.

"When I got back it became clear that Arsenal were late to open up negotiations, Madrid were nowhere and all the paper talk was about Chelsea. Peter Kenyon made a £16 million offer but David Dein wanted £30 million; the same man who had told the FAPL inquiry that my value was between £15 and £20 million. I felt like a bargaining chip, with the stakes too high. It felt to me that Arsenal had done nothing to keep me and now it seemed obstacles were piling up at the exit door." - From Ashley Cole's book entitled 'Ho's, Chelsea Bro's and A Side-Order of Cash'

Ashley, you bloody massive bargaining chip you. Of course, good ol' Ashley Cole; The Bargaining Chip, The Ultimate Talent Blag, The Vole Faced Number Three, cAshley Cole or quite simply The Douche. Over the last, well, over the last forever I have concluded that Ashley Cole is simply a douche bag. I propose he is now only referred to as The Douche. Oh no, I'm not alone either. I've been doing some research and pretty much every celebrity of epic proportions is saying the same thing. Arguably the world's greatest ever celebrity politician, Barack Obama, says:

"Ashley Cole is still a threat. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK. "

Even Superman Obama himself agrees getting rid of Ashley Cole is a superhuman task too far for even him to cope with.

And here, international King of Everything Bono(bo) who, as we all know knows the ultimate truth about everything from low-fat yoghurt to the truth about what really happened in the Dark Ages has his say on the whole Ashley Cole problem:

"As a rock star, I have three instincts, I want to have fun, I want to change the world and I want to know why Ashley Cole is such a douche. I have a chance to do all three."

Finally, to bring our point home is our gracious and glorious leader, please welcome Mr. Sepp Blatter:

"What I am most proud of is the legacy of hope that FIFA and football leaves around the world. It makes all of the efforts and energy I pour into this job worth it. And Ashley Cole is a bit of a douche, so I'd better sort that out aswell."

As you can see for yourselves, I'm not alone. If Ashley isn't moving from the footballing paradise of Arsene Wenger's Arsenal to the giant pot of gold that is Roman Abramovich's Chelski then he is openly philandering while his wife sits at home, sewing, knitting and waiting to do him some beans on toast when he gets in because as we all know Cheryl doesn't get out much, bless her. He was also once dropped as the face of Nokia, why on earth he was the face of Nokia anyway I'm not sure. Maybe the CEO's and Marketing executives at Nokia were binged off their faces on herbal ecstasy and were too busy listening to drum and bass and grinding their teeth to really give a shit about who they were signing up.

"Screw it man, I'm buzzing, just tell Ashley Cole he can have it. He is LITERALLY the most money hungry man in the world. Now pass me that bottle of Evian, I'm scared I'm going to get dehydrated but then again, you can overhydrate can't you? I love you man."

I bet that is exactly how it happened. Anyway, when the comedown hit and the executives looked at the papers the next day they were so appalled at the claims Ashley Cole was 'a raging homo' that they dropped him faster than they dropped those 'Ultimate Xphoria' pills.

Graeme Le Saux suffered similar allegations which leads me to believe that left-backs are prone to such accusations. I'm not at all in the mood or, in fact, ever will be in the mood to try and eke out some kind of reason behind this but it has conveniently led me to my actual point. My actual point is that:

ASHLEY COLE IS RUBBISH AT PLAYING FOOTBALL.

I mean, honestly, he has got to be the most overrated player in the history of man. He practically pisses all over second-highest paid talent blag Didier Drogba. I imagine they share rooms at away games and they lie there like little, mischevious imps, trying not to wake Carlo Ancelotti with their giggling about how they have managed to earn more in a year than somebody with real talent (Paul Peschisolido, the true heir to Pelé's crown) earns in a lifetime. Graeme Le Saux, by his own admission wasn't the greatest English left-back of all time, he wasn't even the greatest Chelsea left-back of all time but I bet the first thought he has as soon as his head leaves the pillow in the morning is that he will always, always be better than Ashley Cole. I couldn't quite decide whether or not to write this little piece, I had some how found a way to contain this beast that was trying to force it's way out of me but when I saw him trying to perform a drag-back on the edge of his own area in the great unseen England game against the Ukraine my vision went blurry and the room shook. My commemorative Port Vale vs. West bromwich Albion 1993 Play-Off china plate fell from it's perch... When I awoke my clothes were torn and my house didn't exist anymore, but even more shocking was that I found the draft of this very article scrawled in blood on a piece of lined A3 paper. Once I had deciphered it, it was rather crumpled and as I've said written in my own plasma, I went to town and bloody well published this writing what you am reading now. Hope you enjoyed it, I'm off to the Nokia headquarters to go and have it large with some marketing executives. You'd be suprised what bangin' tunes they have on those Blackberry's of theirs.